Best Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Related topics: Marriage
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) 
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)
Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
We have always found the Irish a bit odd.
They refuse to be English.
- Winston Churchill
The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
If he's first class, I'm traveling steerage.
- the movie Libeled Lady (1936)
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- the movie A Streetcar Named Desire
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
- said by Donkey in the movie Shrek 2
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
Go ahead, make my day.
- the movie Sudden Impact (1983)
This town needs an enema.
- the movie Batman
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Greetings, cosmic children of the universe.
Welcome to my serenity circle.
Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- the movie Shrek the Third (2007)
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- the movie Tangled (2010)
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
- the movie The Little Mermaid (1989)
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
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