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Best Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings

May you find some humor or a quiet chuckle in these "best" funny quotes and sayings.

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Related topics: Marriage

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) PHOTO

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec PHOTO

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz PHOTO


 

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller PHOTO

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous PHOTO

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO

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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer PHOTO

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

We have always found the Irish a bit odd.
They refuse to be English.
- Winston Churchill

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

If he's first class, I'm traveling steerage.
- the movie Libeled Lady (1936)

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- the movie A Streetcar Named Desire

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

Are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
- said by Donkey in the movie Shrek 2

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

Go ahead, make my day.
- the movie Sudden Impact (1983)

This town needs an enema.
- the movie Batman

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe.
Welcome to my serenity circle.
Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- the movie Shrek the Third (2007)

Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- the movie Tangled (2010)

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
- the movie The Little Mermaid (1989)

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen


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