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Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (2)

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Related topics: Movie

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- the movie Withnail & I (1987)

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

The road to success is always under construction.
- Anonymous

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors

Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- the movie A Streetcar Named Desire

This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea;
but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death

Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- the movie Tangled (2010)

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
- the movie Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

It's cookies, he smells like cookies,
and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- the movie Michael

You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Anonymous

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Still, things could be a lot worse.
Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- the movie Megamind (2010)

I've always believed that if done properly,
armed robbery doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.
- the movie Thelma & Louise

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

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Today is Your Day to Dance Lightly with Life.  It Really Is.
      - Jonathan Lockwood Huie