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Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (3)

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Related topics: Cynical Movie

No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns

We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

I believe in equality for everyone,
except reporters and photographers.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage -
they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted!
And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried
and smothered in chocolate.
- the movie Shrek 2

Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society

Confucius might have said:
Once frightened, twice smelly in armpit.
- Anonymous humor

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

Serious illness doesn't bother me for long
because I am too inhospitable a host.
- Albert Schweitzer

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

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Today is Your Day to Dance Lightly with Life.  It Really Is.
      - Jonathan Lockwood Huie