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Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (4)

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Related topics: Cynical Movie

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

What we've got here is failure to communicate.
- the movie Cool Hand Luke

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

He who marries for love without money
has good nights and sorry days.
- Anonymous

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

Serious illness doesn't bother me for long
because I am too inhospitable a host.
- Albert Schweitzer

I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
- the movie The Little Mermaid (1989)

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe.
Welcome to my serenity circle.
Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- the movie Shrek the Third (2007)

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Go ahead, make my day.
- the movie Sudden Impact (1983)

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx

We have always found the Irish a bit odd.
They refuse to be English.
- Winston Churchill

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (The movie )

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

I've always believed that if done properly,
armed robbery doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.
- the movie Thelma & Louise

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Phillips

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

The road to success is always under construction.
- Anonymous

I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

Wit is the lowest form of humor.
- Alexander Pope

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

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Today is Your Day to Dance Lightly with Life.  It Really Is.
      - Jonathan Lockwood Huie