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Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (5)

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Wit is the lowest form of humor.
- Alexander Pope

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder

To fall in love is awfully simple,
but to fall out of love is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson

When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon

Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain

You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain

An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
- Albert Einstein

A lifelong friend is someone
you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron

Getting fired is nature's way to telling you
that you had the wrong job in the first place.
- Hal Lancaster

Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken

We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
- Albert Einstein

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

The rarest quality in an epitaph is truth.
- Henry David Thoreau

Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

Familiarity breeds consent.
- Oscar Wilde

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

Just because I don't care,
doesn't mean I don't understand.
- Matt Groening's TV series The Simpsons.

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields

An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Money often costs too much.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whenever I find the key to success,
someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous

Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill

My life is difficult. I need more money.
- the movie The Expendables (2010)

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland

Politics is almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.
In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.
- Winston Churchill

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down
rat holes with baited breath.
- W. C. Fields

If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous

The light at the end of the tunnel
may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous

I was so jazzed about sobering up
and starting a new life;
I had to stop at a bar
to get a drink just to calm down.
- the television series Glee

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to
criticize or attack the government of my own country.
I make up for lost time when I come home.
- Winston Churchill

The ad agency's name for Hell is "Las Vegas."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Today is Your Day to Dance Lightly with Life.  It Really Is.
      - Jonathan Lockwood Huie