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Funny Quotes
Funny Sayings (6)

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

Related topics: Wisdom

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning
I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
- Winston Churchill

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
- Albert Schweitzer

He has all of the virtues I dislike,
and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill

There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Marilyn Monroe

People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Anonymous

We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
- John Lennon

One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll

Getting fired is nature's way to telling you
that you had the wrong job in the first place.
- Hal Lancaster

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken

The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung

Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

A lifelong friend is someone
you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous

If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother
rather than all major credit cards.
- Robert Orben

I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
- W. C. Fields

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

It is more agreeable to have the power to give than to receive.
- Winston Churchill

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly,
usually for the same reason.
- Anonymous

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill

You wanna know the meaning of life?
Fugedaboudit - It ain't happnin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
- the movie The Godfather, Part II

Just because I don't care,
doesn't mean I don't understand.
- Matt Groening's TV series The Simpsons.

Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato

What do I think of Western civilization?
I think it would be a very good idea.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron

My life is difficult. I need more money.
- the movie The Expendables (2010)

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken

Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard

At the beginning, we are in relationship
because we are attracted to the other person -
we think they are sexy, smart, funny,
whatever it is that we find appealing.
But very quickly, the focus of the relationship
turns to whether we feel appreciated.
If we don't feel appreciated, we don't feel loved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The light at the end of the tunnel
may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill

Whenever I find the key to success,
someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous

If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West

I was so jazzed about sobering up
and starting a new life;
I had to stop at a bar
to get a drink just to calm down.
- the television series Glee

Some days just go to Hell faster than others.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Money often costs too much.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous

The rarest quality in an epitaph is truth.
- Henry David Thoreau

Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain

Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous

A wedding is just like a funeral
except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
- Albert Einstein

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain

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Today is Your Day to Dance Lightly with Life.  It Really Is.
      - Jonathan Lockwood Huie